I'm jealous of your bromance
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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