Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf