onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
