I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
