i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
