Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
