I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
