I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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