Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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