so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
