god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he was CRYING into my vagina
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
