Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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