Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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