I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
