There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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