Moan for me like Helen Keller
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
