he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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