Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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