On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
