i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Less talking, more tequila
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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