Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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