My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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