In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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