So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
