a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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