he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
