I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
