i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
