Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
