You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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