By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That accounts for only three of the penises
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
