I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
