I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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