Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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