There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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