i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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