He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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