My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
