Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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