I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
sarcasm needs its own font
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
