drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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