I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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