i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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