Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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