note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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