I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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