so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
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It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
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you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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