Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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