two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
