Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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