Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
