You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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