My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
