i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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