I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
