I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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