You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
