Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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