apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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