yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
