Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
