Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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