Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
