TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
