I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
