it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
