I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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